Quick funnies

Stolen from elsewhere:

Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest:

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. Theflight attendant looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only onecarrion allowed per passenger.'

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other andsays 'Dam!'

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire inthe craft. Unsurprisingly, it immediately sank, proving once again thatyou can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says 'I've lost my electron.' Theother says 'Are you sure?' The first replies 'Yes, I'm positive.'

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a rootcanal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standingin the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After aboutan hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.'But why?', they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said,' Ican't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

7. A woman has identical twins and is forced to give them up foradoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Ahmal.'The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.' Yearslater, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Uponreceiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she alsohad a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're identicaltwins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so theyopened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked tobuy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thoughtthe competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down,but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. Theyignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughestand most vicious thug in town to 'persuade' them to close. Hugh beatup the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if theydidn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that onlyHugh can prevent Florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, whichproduced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate verylittle, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he sufferedfrom bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) asuper calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Song lyric of the day "I think I'm dumb, or maybe just happy" Nirvana

Until next time.

Ace

Happy Bday!

I wanted to wish a Happy Bday to my eldest sister. Hope it's a smokin' good time! :-)

Have I ever talked about my sisters, brothers, cousins, etc. on the blog? Oh the stories I could tell! I always like to joke that my family tree is like a row of hedges. Wow, I slay me. One of the things I'm most (in)famous for in the family is taking the camcorder during holidays and walking around the house trying to start trouble and catch it on film. Maybe I'm sick that way but I just find it highly entertaining. And the memories I create (and capture for posterity!). On occasion it's not gone so well, like the time I bought my nephew a fifth of Jack Daniels for Xmas in the secret Santa celebration. Hey, I truly had no idea he had just started to abstain from the joy juice, people should make that kind of info available prior to gift giving occasions!

Week one of the better half's employment is in the books. We're making the adjustment, although the youngest is having a bit of a tough time adjusting to daycare, even though he is only in for a couple hours a couple of times per week. Today was better than the last time, hopefully it will get progressively better. And the better half told me today that it has been enjoyable getting involved in the grown up world again. I hope that continues!

I am thoroughly loving that baseball season is underway. I skipped class last week due to the national holiday of Opening Day. I managed to grill some fresh brats despite the cold and rain and just thoroughly basked in the glory of about 6 baseball games on TV. It's also been great to have games on in the background while working.

Getting very close to the end of the semester, I think 6 weeks left. I need to register for classes for the summer, it looks like 2 classes will be the limit this term. That is probably for the best with our new, busy schedule. I'd like to have one of them be an online class, which would not tie me to a classroom and allow me to work around the better half's work needs.

That's all for now, I'll try to check back in later this week.

Today's Song Lyric of the Day: "Insane in the membrane, insane in the brain!" - Cypress Hill

Until next time.

Ace.

Spring into Spring!

I'm greatly looking forward to the warming temperatures. We've hit 50 degrees the last couple of days here and it is long overdue. Add to that the upcoming completion of the college semester and the start of the Major League Baseball season, and spring fever is in full effect.

Things have been crazy busy. The better half started working this week and we're all still making the adjustment. It has been emotional at times and certainly exhausting. And we're only 3 days in! I am hopeful that over the next week or two we are able to settle into an adjusted life routine and develop a comfort zone. We'll see.

I had to turn in a paper in one of my two classes yesterday. Fortunately, the only real assignment I have left in that class over the next 5 - 6 weeks is the completion of a 5-7 page paper. The writing should be a piece of cake but there will definitely be some reading required to get the appropriate level of research done. While I'm not very religious, I chose to write my paper about the Philadelphia Bible Riots of 1844 that pitted Catholics against the in-power Protestants of the time. So far it seems like a pretty interesting study. During class last night, we had some very sobering discussions about what life is like for a teacher in some of the area middle schools. Another warning that I'm not preparing to enter the Valhalla of idealistic career choices.

I also had to read a book called Blood Done Sign My Name by Timothy Tyson, a professor at University of Wisconsin. This is a very well written book that looks at the civil rights movement in the South, primarily in the 60s and 70s, although the book does jump around to other time periods quite a bit. Not something I would have picked up on my own, it was quite illuminating in regards to the struggle our country went through related to integration, racism, etc. The book focuses on the author's childhood hometown but also how national events related to it as well. If you're looking for a thought-provoking book (although a little melodramatic at times), this is a good one.

Soccer kicks off next week. Hopefully we'll have balmy weather to bring us through.

Musical note for the post - Ace favorite Seven Mary Three is in the midst of touring the US at the moment. I've already attempted to recruit the normal cast of characters to attend my local show - check out their tour dates to see if they are stopping by near you. You won't be sorry you checked them out.

Song lyric of the day "On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again" - Willie Nelson

Enough for now, I've got to get back to the baseball game!

Until next time.

Ace.

Local H

One of my favorite bands is a Chicago based duo called Local H. They help me get my necessary dosage of adrenaline and smart-mouthed lyrics out of my music, a nice complement to some of the other music I listen to that has started to trend softer.

The H is embarking on a pretty long tour this summer, including a sold out 7 night stand in Chicago. All of this is in support of their new CD Twelve Angry Months. I'm looking forward to reviewing it here shortly.

Anyhow, if they are coming by your 'hood, it's a fun and energetic show that throws back to an era of rock gods and guitar junkies. Check 'em out!

Until next time.

Ace

Song lyric of the day "Well here we go again, It’s never gonna end, We’re all so sick of California songs! Yeah we know you love L.A. There’s nothing left to say Please no more California songs!" Local H

100 miles per hour

Things are flying by at the speed of light.

Since my last post I've spent time in Philly, North Carolina and even a few minutes at home. I've spent approximately an extra 8 hours in airports due to rain and high wind. And I've gotten up at anywhere between 3:45 am and 11 am to start my various days. It's really amazing that I haven't gotten sick.

In the midst of the madness, I've managed to meet a beautiful little girl named Anna (congrats C&N), learned of a set of twins for another friend that just arrived a couple days ago (congrats E & C) and managed to miss a visit to my house from friends I haven't seen in years (sorry M & G & your ever expanding family).

I've also discovered that I got a 45 out of 45 on the presentation given in my class last week - quite possibly the worst presentation in history. And I've also discovered that I'll be coaching not one but two soccer teams this spring. Yep, meet the proud whistleblower for the Armadillos and the red team. Should be great.

More important than all of the insanity mentioned above, the family is about to undergo a major change. The better half is re-entering the work force. This is exciting, scary, hopeful, devestating. As has been well documented here, this is a necessary change to our nuclear unit given my current aspirations. But it brings about quite a lot of change, including a mish-mash of daycare, unbelievable generosity from friends (thanks a million H) and the type of scheduling coordination previously reserved for military maneuvers and Parker Lewis episodes ("synchronize Swatches"). We're most concerned about the impact on the little ones but hopeful that after a little transition we will settle into a groove. We'll see. The better half is pretty amazing undertaking such a challenge and making such a sacrifice, I don't have the words. I only hope that the change brings about the great accomplishment that I think it will. Anyhow, things will get busier before they calm down.

In the meantime, I continue by trying to figure out how to improve my newly minted fantasy baseball team and prepare to hold the draft for my other league. The good news is that baseball season is officially under way, a sure sign that spring really is coming, even though Mother Nature has scarcely provided a hint that this is true. Amazingly, the area saw a dump of somewhere in the neighborhood of 12 inches of snow last week with at least a little more expected tonight. Ugh!

School wise, I have 2 papers left to hammer out in one class and several projects in the other. Fortunately, I have about 6 weeks left to do all this. Hopefully it can be accomplished. And next week, I get to figure out what I'm doing over the summer semester. Time to sign off! I expect to post some music stuff shortly, looking forward to pimping!

Until next time.

Ace

Lyric of the day "I just checked in, to see what condition my condition is in" as done by Kenny Rogers in the Big Lebowski

Carnival food, thrashing Irish classics and the worst presentation in history

Just flew back from Vegas yesterday (and boy are my arms tired! rimshot). What a whirlwind the last few weeks have been.

Just before the Vegas trip, went to a concert with my main man Jason. He has an unnatural predilection to all things New England so he wanted to go see Dropkick Murphys, a band from Boston. I agreed without really knowing anything at all about the band. Well, turns out they are one of the more unique bands around. Mixing punk rock with traditional Irish music, these guys draw an interesting, rabid and large crowd to the show.

Among the highlights of the show were a mobbing throng of 3500 people screaming Amazing Grace, the bagpipes playing in several songs, the traditional Irish dancers who came out for a song and the finale, where anyone in the crowd who wanted to come up on stage could do so. It was nuts. Oh, and there was also a pretty cool midget lady by us who I wanted to put up on my shoulders to rock out but I decided not to ask in case she would kick my butt.

The next am was an early flight to Vegas. I actually managed to play poker on the plane with several of the guys around me, getting in a good 3 hours of play before hitting the ground. Not a bad start! Within 30 minutes of touching the ground, we were safely at home within the confines of the In N Out burger. Mmmmmmm good.

I did well during the first poker session but mostly bad beyond that. It was not a good showing for this happy blogger. However, my boy Q owned a tourney at the Venetian and mixed in a solid cash game showing and was far and away the class of our group of four. Mel also managed to cash in a lower buyin tourney that we all played in so that was a nice piece of work. Wudchuk and I left with our gambling egos firmly shattered.

There were a ton of highlights but I will say this - going to Vegas during March is unbelievable. We managed to be there during the largest convention of the year, during St. Patrick's Day, with basketball March Madness going on and a prize fight taking place at one of the casinos. It was nuts. All in all, it was a lot of fun, especially our trip to the Rio for the newly opened seafood buffet.

I took the redeye back Sunday night and managed to stumble into my house at about 8:30 am. I got to hang out with the kids and better half for a short while before I literally fell asleep in the middle of a conversation (while I was actually talking). I slept until 4:15 when I was awakened and freaked out since I had to go to class and partake in a group presentation. It was probably the worst presentation I've ever seen or been a part of. That said, I don't think the teacher grades on presentation skills, just the content. I'm sure the grade will be fine.

Off to Philly tomorrow for work. I would love to write more and will at some point but damn, life is hectic right now!

Oh yeah, taking my first stab at coaching in the next couple weeks as assistant coach for #1's soccer team. Good idea, I was wondering what I was going to do with all my free time.

Today's song lyric of the day: "Time is all the luck you need" from Lucky by Seven Mary Three.

Until next time.

Ace

California Dreamin'

This week found your dearest blogger travelling to Northern California for work - a meeting and dinner, in and out in a heartbeat. Travelling from the midwest to the sunshine and 75 degrees was great. A lot of air travel for little time but it was definitely worth it. I must say, San Fran (and particularly just north of there in Marin and Mendocino Counties) is my favorite place I've visited. My first jaunt out there came when our friends Babou and Rachelle were married in Mendocino County at a small bed and breakfast. It was really quite fantastic. I've been back probably a dozen times since (mostly because I have a client I visit in SF) and always love it. Too bad you have to win the lottery to afford to live there, crazy stuff. Dinner was disappointing as we had to keep it close to our meeting location to placate the heavy hitter we were meeting with. The food was meh and it may have been the single most boring dinner I've ever attended. Oh well, it was free, which is my favorite price.

I've been very busy between Orlando, catching up at work, off to California, another client meeting next week (although local). Then I'm off to Vegas for several days, back home and off to Philadelphia for another client meeting, then another meeting the week after in North Carolina. Crazy!

Thankfully, last night was my last class for a couple weeks since spring break has just begun (thus, the Vegas trip). I do have a couple things to finish up this weekend school-related before I jet off to NV. But all is going quite well school-wise.

I know I promised an update on the Florida trip. I'll try to get to it before leaving for Vegas.

Today's lyric of the day:

"Big old jet airliner, carry me to my home" - Steve Miller Band

Until next time.

Ace.