Quick funnies

Stolen from elsewhere:

Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest:

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. Theflight attendant looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only onecarrion allowed per passenger.'

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other andsays 'Dam!'

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire inthe craft. Unsurprisingly, it immediately sank, proving once again thatyou can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says 'I've lost my electron.' Theother says 'Are you sure?' The first replies 'Yes, I'm positive.'

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a rootcanal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standingin the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After aboutan hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.'But why?', they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said,' Ican't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

7. A woman has identical twins and is forced to give them up foradoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Ahmal.'The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.' Yearslater, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Uponreceiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she alsohad a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're identicaltwins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so theyopened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked tobuy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thoughtthe competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down,but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. Theyignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughestand most vicious thug in town to 'persuade' them to close. Hugh beatup the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if theydidn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that onlyHugh can prevent Florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, whichproduced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate verylittle, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he sufferedfrom bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) asuper calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Song lyric of the day "I think I'm dumb, or maybe just happy" Nirvana

Until next time.

Ace